The first kiss from a mother - Ammavin mudhal mutham. English & Tamil
It was a reputed private hospital. As usual The ICU was filled with chaos. Raja was fighting for his live in the ICU. Cities best doctors were around him. Outside the ICU his grand parents were crying and had no clue of what so ever happened in the last few hours. There were his friends looking worried and shocked as if something unimaginable has happened. The last thing anyone would have thought was for Raja to attempt SUICIDE.
And they can’t be blamed for their state of shock and surprise. The Raja they knew would not have attempted suicide. Raja is studying his final year at an engineering college. He is a youthful and cool young man at 19. He is the best pal for all of his classmates. He would do any thing for the people around him. They always saw him smiling. Not worried about anything. There was only 1 week left for his final exams to begin. Of course he had 21 arrears but that did not seem to bother him. Every one knew he is very talented but some how seemed to end up as a loser. But he took it coolly and did not bother.
At the time a Mercedes came into the hospital. A young lady got down and went to the reception. The receptionist directed the lady to the ICU. She had a worried and confused look on her face. As she neared the ICU the grand mother cried…sobbed and said “Pushpaa“
“Idhu epdi nadandhuchu” asked Pushpa.
She did not wait for an answer. She moved to the door and tried to see her son Raja.
There she could see raja struggling with the doctors who were surrounding him. Her heart jumped at the sight. He had a tube inserted in his nose and the doctors were trying to contain him. He was shouting
“I want to die.. I want to die.. Please let me die”
Pushpa could hear no more. Just when she was about to turn away from the door Raja directly looked at the eyes behind the door. She too maintained the the eye contact for a second. He recognized the pair of eyes. Suddenly tremendous hatred was growing inside him. He stopped struggling and shouting but his eyes turned red. Unable to gaze at the hatred eyes of her son Pushpa tuned away with tears. Raja’s mind turned blank he no longer had any sense of where he was.
His mind reeled with memories of his past at tremendous speed. He lived with his grand parents in Chennai right from his child hood. As far as he can remember he knew about parent hood only after his first day at school. First time people called mom leaving their children at school, feeding them lunch and taking them home after school. He too had his thatha and paati but how come it was different. After his few days at school he started questioning to his grand parents about his amma. They tried to distract him when ever the question came up. He saw so much love and affection in the mothers of his classmates. How they loved their children and took care of them.
How they showed their little ones with kisses. His grand parents were there but he found it as if they were not genuine. No body hugged him, kissed him, told stories to him. One day when the enquiries by Raja about his parents became intolerable for his grand dad he telephoned some one and spoke for a long time. After the call he said tomorrow your amma is coming to see you.
Raja was so happy that he was finally going to see his Amma. The next day his mom came to his house. When he saw her his whole face lit up. She looked like an angel to him with undescribable beauty. With lot of joy le ran to her hoping that she would lift him up and kiss him. But when he neared her she stopped. Her face became expressionless. Then she went to the sofa and sat on it. Grand parents left the room.
He looked at her silently without knowing what to do. Then he went near her.
He asked her “Neengadhaan ennoda amma va”
She replied “Aamaam” without any expression.
“Unga name enna?”
He brought his hand to touch her beautiful face. She was about to stop his hand but then controlled her impulse. He touched the cheecks of his beautiful Amma and asked
“En kooda vae idhirudreengala”
“Enakkum ennoda friends maadhiri en amma appavoda irukkanumnu aasai aa irukku”
“Neenga yaen enna ivlo naala paakavae varala, thatha pattiyum edhuvumae solla maataendranga..”
“Amma appa varaalayama”
“Yaen ma edhuvumae pesa maataendreenga”
Pushpa looked at his eyes and hesitated to speak for few moments and then she spoke
“Raja unnoda appa vum naanum Bombay la saendhu namma family oda business pathitrukkom Nee engaloda irukka mudiadhu sariya.. nee inga patti thatha kooda irundhae padi sariya. Amma unna adikadi vandu pathukuraen ok va….”
She held his face in both her hands and said
“Amma ippo kilamburaen aana nee samatha irukanum…”
Raja was expecting she would kiss him but abruptly she got up and left.
Raja could not comprehend what had just happened. Tears rolled down his cheeks.. All his dream about a proper family were shattered in few minutes by his mom. What does all this mean? Why is my mother doing this to me? He ran to his room and started crying.
After that day onwards his parents came to meet him for a few months. It was on the third visit that he got to meet his father. But for some reason, which he does not know, his father seemed to hate him just like how snape hated harrypotter. Father never spoke to Raja and he always answered to Raja in one liners. After a few visits his father stopped coming. Only Pushpa would come to visit him for few hours. With every visit she spoke very less. But Raja never showed his hard feelings to her. He would always make a happy face when ever she was there hoping that some day things will change.
This continued on until he was in his 11th grade. One day when he got the address of his mom in Bombay from his thathaas diary and stole some money from him. He then boarded a flight to Mumbai with his friends help. After landing in Mumbai he took a taxi and went to the address. It was a big villa and after faking himself as an acquaintance to the security he went inside. He was afraid what might happen. But he wanted real answers. He was burning with fire to know why is he condemned to live life like he had lived.
He found that only his father was there. When his father saw him initially he could not recognize him. Then when his eyes showed recognition Raja smiled at him. But his father turned angry in a second and replied…
“Why the fuck did you come here”
“Appa naan unga paiyanpa yaen enkitta apdi paesureenga, konjam mariyadhay paesunga”
“Fuck you enga vandhu enna da paesura.. just get out right now…”
“Neenga yaen enna ipdi treat panreenga naan enna paavam pannaen”
“Nee porandhadae paavam dhaanda you are just a bastard”
Raja could not take any more. All the frustration and mental suffering got to him and the next moment he was pouncing on his dad and punching him. Then all the servants came and bashed him up until he was unconscious. When he woke up he found himself in a dark place. He moved towards the door from where light seemed to come from. Just when he got to the door he realizes it was not the door it was just iron bars. He was in a lock up. He was devastated. Now he was sure some thing was really wrong with his birth or every one was hiding some thing from him. Some big secret otherwise how come the person who is supposed to be his dad can lock him up in jail. Now he saw his mother come in to the jail with some lawyer. After doing some formalities he came out of the station. There his mother and grand father were waiting
Pushpa came to him and said..
“Unnala evlo prachanai theriuma….. Unna yaar inga vara sonna…Unakku arivae kidayadha”
“Shut up Pushpa” burst out Raja. Pushpa was dumpstruck.
“Ennodaa kaelvikku mattum badhil sollu….Nee unmailayae ennoda amma va”
“Kaekuraenla sollu” “I want some fucking answers.. give it to me”
“Yes naan unnoda ammadhaan”
“Who the fuck is this guy ivan ennoda thatha illainu enakku theriyum … ivaru yaaru..”
“Avunga unnoda guardians”
“So ivlo naal enna ellorum yaemathitukeenga illa..”
“Shut up Raja ippo prachana pannadha.. Nee andha Carla Yaeri thattha ooda oorukku po.. …. Unakku enna korai vachom…Nee aasai pattadhellam unakku kidaikum.. unnoda life long unakku thevayanadhu unakku kidaikum.. just u have to mention it to him… ippo inga irundhu kilambu…. naan unna next week vandhu pakkuraen”
“Enakku unmai theriyanum.. yenna yaen ipdi treat panreenga….. ennoda appanu sonniyae anvan enna jaila thooki vachirukaan… enna bastardnu sonnan apdina nee enna…?
“Apdina yedhukku ennoda vazlkaila ipdi vilayadureenga naan enna paavam pannaen”
Pushpa replied with hatred “ Nee porandhadhae paavam dhaanda”
On hearing this raja felt like his heart would stop. He closed his eyes for a moment and made a decision. Now looking not at his mother, but a person who has made his whole life a joke and caused all his suffering. He began to speak.
“You bitch listen…. Nee enna paakradhukku inimae vara thaeva illa.. I don’t have a family.. I am just an orphan….. I don’t want to see u people for the rest of my life…. Ennoda vazlkaiya epdi vazhanumnu enakku theriyum…. .. you r just a fuckin bitch”
And then he turned to speak to his guardian. “Neenga enna idhu varaikum enna hurt pannadhilla.. do you still want to live with me…but I cant consider u as a relation”
“Naan unkoodava irukiraen…”
Raja left with the thatha in the car. Pushpa could only stare at him fighting both anger and tears.
From that day on Raja has never seen or spoken to his mother. He considered himself as a orphan. He made himself immune to love. He could not tolerate anybody getting close to him. Friends well wishers everybody was kept at a distance. He had respect and true friendship for them. Helps them emotionally too when someone is in distress, but buried his own pain within himself. He did not allow anyone to connect with his feelings. So to everybody outside he seemed to be the coolest and happiest of the lot. They would not know that he cries every night unable to sleep.. feeling the loneliness alone in his bed.
Because of this he was affected not only emotionally but also on his abilities. The intelligent student and sports person was turning into a loser. He studies well and understands everything. But the night before the exams he is shrouded with fear that he will not be able to do it properly. This fear made him fail in his exams. Even when he is playing basket ball match he performs badly on the match day. Every body thought it was because of his careless attitude towards his life. Apart from the fear he had sleeping problem. He could not get sleep at night. He went to the doctors but the prescription only worked for short term. So only way for him to go to sleep was to
Masturbate several times until he felt somewhat relaxed and then go to sleep.
When he was in his 3rd year he received news that his father is dead. But he felt no grief. His mother wanted to talk to him over the phone but he refused. He told his guarding he is an orphan and does not have any parents.
While his life was going on miserable like this he was getting worried for himself 2 months before the final exam. He has to pass 27 subjects this time. Even for a best of students this would be 100% impossible. That’s when it occurred to him that if he could be in love with some girl then he can be back to how he was. He imagined it would be easy as all his female friends had a high regard for him and liked him very much. But he was turned down by 3 girls in 6 weeks. They did not hurt his feeling but refused him stating they still want to be best friends with him. At last he approached Meena, a close friend who liked him very much. But she too had the same answer. But this time he insisted on the reason for her rejection. She hesitated and then said
“Raja you just don’t know how to emotionally connect with people. Unnala yaaraiyumae love panna mudiadhunnu enakku thonudhu…. As a friend aah illa brother aah u can be the best.. but oru lover aah unnala feelings ah purinjukittu share panna mudiyumnu enakku thonala.. Sorry da…”
Right now he felt more pain than he felt when he last saw his mother. He was not angry with Meena. But it was just that he seemed to understand wat she said was true. He decided he could not act any more in front the people as the happy person. He was tired of it. He was not ready to undergo another night suffering in pain, thinking about how his mother hurt him and what big loser he is turning into. So He decided it was time to end his life. After ensuring his guardians are out he gulped the poison and waited for the death. Fortunately his guardian came back to get his mobile and found Raja unconscious. He then admitted him in hospital and informed Pushpa at once.
Back at the hospital doctors came out of the ICU and told a nervous Pushpa that Raja has safe now and he can be discharged in two days. Rajas friends were also relieved to hear the news.
Pushpa went to talk with his friends.
“Neenga Raja voda friends aah”
“Yes Neenga yaaru”
“En paeru Pushpa.Raja voda Amma”
All his friends looked puzzled because what they saw in front of them was the most beautiful lady they have ever seen and she could not be older than 28. Some of them have already started drooling over her. She was dressed in salwar and had the best features they could have dreamt of.
“Yaen apdi kaekureenga?”
“Sorry aunty .. adhu vandhu.. naanga ungala idhuvaraikum pathadhe illaya adha naladhaan…”
Pushpa knew they were lying. They were struck by her beauty. But she is used to these kinds of reactions. She enquired to them about Raja. None of them seemed to know why Raja did such a thing.
The Guardian thatha came to her and gave her a letter that Raja had left. She opened the lette and found only two lines of writing.
“No one is responsible for my death”
“Thank you Pushpa for everything”
Raja got discharged from the hospital two days later. His guardian was with him and Raja was boarding a new Mercedes. The car zoomed towards opposite side of the city from the place he lived.
“Naama veetuku poliya uncle”
“Konja naalaiku unakku vaera apartment arrange pannirukaen..unakku changaah irukkum…. Unooda things ellam already maathiyaachu”
“Uncle ennoda exams…?”
“Don’t worry about it now.. two days just relax pannu mathadu ellam appuram pesikalaam”
It was a new apartment. As they neared the door to their flat Raja’s guardian gave the key to Raja and asked him to take rest. He left saying he had some settlements with hospital and police to cover up the incident.
Raja entered the apartment and switched on the lights. Despite his sour mood he was awed by the beauty of the apartment. It was five star full furnished duplex apartment. The place felt like some place in james bond movie. He went and sat on the couch in the hall and was searching for the remote to switch on the TV.
“Idha dhaana thedura….” Came a female voice.
Pushpa entered the hall from one of the room and came in front of him. She was wearing black salwar.
Raja turned red immediately.
“Inga edhukudi vandha.. Idhu ellam unnoda plan dhaana…. Naan uyiroda irukana ill sethuttana nu pakka vandhiya”
“Raja apdi paesadha da Naan unnoda Ammada”
“Naan oru anadhai enakku yaarum kidya dhu”
“Konjam naan solradha kaeluda.. Amma unkita unmai ellam sollanumda appuram inga irundhu poidraen”
“I don’t want to hear anything..” Now raja was crying
“Ellam unakaaga thaanda amma pannaen.. unooda nalldhukku dhaanda”
“Do you know what that fucking father of mine called me.. enna pathu Bastardnu sonnan..
appadi na nee oru thevudiaanu artham….”
Pushpa could not listen any more went to him and kept slapping him.
“Podhumda.. enna un vaarthaiyaala kolladhada…..ennala thaanga mudialada….Andha aalu un appavae illada…”
Now Raja started listening. Pushpa continued…
“Ennoda appa vukku naan orae vaarisu…enakku 16 vaysu irukkum podhu naan first ear college padichitrundae. Appo Baskar nu enooda class mate aah love pannaen. Adhu ennoda appvukku therinjudichu…. Avaru enakku enga company senior manageroda marriage fix pannitaaru… naan pregnenta irundha marriage ninudumnu mudivu panninae… Baskar mulama naan pregnant aanaen… Indha vishayatha poi naan andha general manage kitta sonnaen… avara kalyanam pannika ishtam illainu kenjinaen…”
“Avaru nee kavalapadam poitu vaama naa ellatayum paathukurannu soolli anupitaaru.. aana adutha naal kaalaila… kaalaila” Pushpa could not continue. She started weeping loudly….
Now Raja was silent… he was not angry.. he asked her “Enna aachu”
“Baskeraa konnutaanga…… Udanae enakkum andha managerukkuk kattayama kalyanam panni vachaanga…. Nee ivlo naal appanuninachurundhadhu andha aalathaan….”
“Konja naal la ennoda appavum sethutaaru… full control avan kitta vandhadhu…. Nee porandha udanae unna konnuduvaennu miratinaan… sothukaaga mattum thaan unnaiyum ennaiyum uyiroda vachirundhaan…. Andha atmospherela nee iruka koodadhunnu dhaan unna inga valarka arrange panninaen…edhukaeduthaalum unna konnuduvaennu sollitae iruppan… unnoda naan close aayita adhu avannukku dangernu enaa ukooda irukka vidavae illa….”
Raja felt very bad abot wat had happened to her. How wrong he was about his mother. God would never forgive for his words against her.
“Naan avan kooda padukra dhukku kooda unnaya vachu mirati thaanda enna ivolo naal anubavichukitrundhaan……”
She fell at his feet and cried loudly…”
“Enna manichidra raja .. Amma unna vaenumnu hurp pannala da… sorry da … please da ammava mannichudra….”
At this Rajaas heart broke. Now here was a person…. his own mother…she had gone through torture many time more than what he had gone through…. He himself was overcome with so much love and emotion for his mother.. he too was crying loudly… he bent down and lifted her up…
“Alaadheenga mma.. please aladheenga.. neenga oru thappum pannalama… naan dhaan sorry kaetkanum… I am sorry maaa. Naan ungala rumba hurt pannitaen….”
The both fell on the couch holding each other and crying. After a long time when both have stopped crying…. Raja called out
“Inimae en koodava irupeengalaama”
“Amma eppovum unkoodavae irupaenda”
Saying that their eyes met which each other. They seem to communicate all their feeling with the eyes. Pushpa held her son’s face in her hands pull it towards her and Kissed him on the cheek.
So much happiness flooded through Raja with the kiss.
“I waited for this kiss for 19 years ma”
“Me too” Replied Pushpa.
Then she got up and said “Poi refresh panni dress change panniko… nee innum 2 days la exam eludanum.. adhukku nalla prepare panna num….. naanum rendu naal thoonga vae illa.. I am soooo happy now I will go and rest for some time….”